I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
