She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
