Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
