nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
