Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
