two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
