I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
