OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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