i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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