"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
