i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
