apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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