Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
