ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
