Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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