Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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