I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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