he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
