Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
