He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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