we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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