JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
