I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
