I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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