Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
