My sheets look like a crime scene.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
