The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
