I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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