im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
