It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
