I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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