Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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