I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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