im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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