Swine flu. Run for my life!
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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