i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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