P.S. I can't hear my feet
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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