you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
