I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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