My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Randomize
