I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize