you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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