I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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