Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
