you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
