I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
