Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
