Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize