After last night, I could never be a politician.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
17 People Who Prepared For Spring Break The Right Way
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
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I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back