Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
