First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
