I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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