Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
