Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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