My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
