Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Randomize
