Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
