you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
