he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
