It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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